Final Post

To my dear friends …

I have put a lot of thought into this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot take it anymore. This is the right choice for me. It’s my horrible, worthless body, and my choice. This is something that I have been dealing with, at least trying to deal with, since I was around ten years old (maybe younger, I don’t know, so over thirty years). Every day is painful for me, both physically and mentally. The Fibromyalgia is insane. My bones and muscles ache, and sometimes feel like they’re burning, from the inside out, almost every day. I’m fed up with the Fibromyalgia, RLS, IBS, GERD, SPD, constant headaches, almost constant leg pain, almost constant neck pain, painful tingling in my hands and feet, Tinnitus, ADD, Agoraphobia, MDD, Anxiety and PTSD. This is no way for anyone to live! I can’t have a regular conversation without losing words, some sort of Aphasia – ask Craig, he’ll tell you what I mean. I am losing my damn mind! On top of that, I barely have any appetite anymore, and when I do eat, I feel sick. Every day. What the hell kind of life is that?! Hell, I still have acne, and now I’m fat. I absolutely hate looking in a mirror. It’s just too much! I cry every day. I’m angry every day. Every day it gets harder and harder for me. The doctors look at me like I’m crazy, and treat me like I’m crazy. I’m sick of it! Every day, when I wake up, I am just so disappointed and angry that I woke up, wishing I’d died in my sleep.

I cannot fight this battle any longer. Even when I think I’m getting better, I guess I’m not. I put on a happy face for people, but the strain of keeping that up has taken its toll as well. Do you have any idea how much energy that takes?! Look it up. It’s very real for people with MDD, and it’s a living hell. Too many years of trying and failing. Too much pain. I wish I had found another way to deal with my MDD and my failures, but I haven’t. I’ve been a disappointment to so many, for so long. I honestly think this will make things easier for everyone who knows me. I won’t be disappointing anyone any longer. I really wish I had done this years ago. I’ve never wanted to, or meant to cause people pain, but that’s all I seem to do. I’ve only wanted to help people. I’ve tried to lead a good life, and be a good person. All that has got me is pain. The only way I can think of to stop feeling and causing pain, is to remove myself from the equation.

The molestation growing up, the attempted rape when I was fifteen or sixteen by Don, the rape when I was 21 by Paul, all the boyfriends who told me I was stupid, ugly, worthless, “a placeholder,” “temporary” and “good enough for now.” The constant criticism of the way I am, of who I am, of how I am, etc. I just can’t take any more. I never believe I can do anything. I never believe I can accomplish anything. I always believe I will screw things up. I always believe I will fail. I truly believe I’m stupid and worthless. I’m terrified of so much. I don’t really feel safe anywhere outside my home, anymore. I see how normal people get up every day, go to work, have hobbies, have a life, enjoy doing things. My brain thinks, “How do people do that?!” I honestly do not know how. I don’t know where that energy comes from. I don’t know why I was born. I absolutely hate that I was born. I wish I hadn’t been born.

Anyway, I do tend to ramble too much, so I’ll just sign off. If you want to remember me or something, I’d really love if someone made a donation in my name to Valley of the Kings in WI, or lots and lots of donations! Oh, and please vote for Bernie Sanders!

Always … miri

9 Comments

  1. Comment by Joe Deming:

    God speed Miri. Show the Vikings how to do it when you get up there! Joe Deming, class of 1988

  2. Comment by Dan No:

    Ride fast, ride free Miri!!!

    • Comment by Dan No:

      I remember first meeting Miri through a Bay Area motorcycle group. My wife and I had just moved here and I organized a group ride. Miri posted that she wanted to go and I put her on my bike. I recall she just enjoyed it so much, the wind through her hair, the serenity of the hills and the views from the top. It was so wonderful that she enjoyed such simple pleasures. Reminded me to not take life so seriously, that every day is a gift. Thank you so much Miri !!!

  3. Comment by Alex Savage:

    We lost touch after we moved but even then life for you was always a struggle and many took advantage of your generosity. I hope you are at peace now.

  4. Comment by John Nadler:

    I always thought you were awesome. How you handled the pain and kept on going. It was my honor to have you as a friend and my pillion! I only wish I could have been able to help you more with your tribulations. Here’s to hoping you are now at peace. Love John.

  5. Comment by CD:

    Miri… I know you won’t read these words… but you were never a disappointment to me.
    Thank you for the help and support you gave me when I truly needed it.
    You will be missed. A donation will be made in your name.

  6. Comment by Jenna:

    May you have found peace, miri.

  7. Comment by Tom:

    You were a good friend, Miri and you will be sorely missed by many. I hope you’ve found the peace you were searching for.

    • Comment by Althera:

      I am sad to read this. And yet, I understand. Miri is my birthday twin. We met on livejournal and I had such a wonderful time the day I got to meet her in person not long before she moved out of the Chicago area.

      It’s funny ironic that I was thinking of you, Miri, just a few days ago. You had a message on your LJ that said, “Holy fark today I turn 40″. I was thinking how much time has passed and how the day you turned 40 – which seemed like such a crazy long time away when we were younger -was coming upon us. Time passes while it seems almost as though we stand still.

      I like to believe that when we pass we move onto the vortex of creation, where there is pure joy at such a high frequency, we exist beyond even light as we know it. I like to believe you are riding the waves of painless ecstatic consciousness. And that you’ll be someone waiting for me when it’s my turn to return to source and join you.

      Yours always, in love and compassion,
      Christie / Althera

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