Archive for June 5th, 2015

Final Post

Posted 2015/06/05 By Lylith

To my dear friends …

I have put a lot of thought into this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot take it anymore. This is the right choice for me. It’s my horrible, worthless body, and my choice. This is something that I have been dealing with, at least trying to deal with, since I was around ten years old (maybe younger, I don’t know, so over thirty years). Every day is painful for me, both physically and mentally. The Fibromyalgia is insane. My bones and muscles ache, and sometimes feel like they’re burning, from the inside out, almost every day. I’m fed up with the Fibromyalgia, RLS, IBS, GERD, SPD, constant headaches, almost constant leg pain, almost constant neck pain, painful tingling in my hands and feet, Tinnitus, ADD, Agoraphobia, MDD, Anxiety and PTSD. This is no way for anyone to live! I can’t have a regular conversation without losing words, some sort of Aphasia – ask Craig, he’ll tell you what I mean. I am losing my damn mind! On top of that, I barely have any appetite anymore, and when I do eat, I feel sick. Every day. What the hell kind of life is that?! Hell, I still have acne, and now I’m fat. I absolutely hate looking in a mirror. It’s just too much! I cry every day. I’m angry every day. Every day it gets harder and harder for me. The doctors look at me like I’m crazy, and treat me like I’m crazy. I’m sick of it! Every day, when I wake up, I am just so disappointed and angry that I woke up, wishing I’d died in my sleep.

I cannot fight this battle any longer. Even when I think I’m getting better, I guess I’m not. I put on a happy face for people, but the strain of keeping that up has taken its toll as well. Do you have any idea how much energy that takes?! Look it up. It’s very real for people with MDD, and it’s a living hell. Too many years of trying and failing. Too much pain. I wish I had found another way to deal with my MDD and my failures, but I haven’t. I’ve been a disappointment to so many, for so long. I honestly think this will make things easier for everyone who knows me. I won’t be disappointing anyone any longer. I really wish I had done this years ago. I’ve never wanted to, or meant to cause people pain, but that’s all I seem to do. I’ve only wanted to help people. I’ve tried to lead a good life, and be a good person. All that has got me is pain. The only way I can think of to stop feeling and causing pain, is to remove myself from the equation.

The molestation growing up, the attempted rape when I was fifteen or sixteen by Don, the rape when I was 21 by Paul, all the boyfriends who told me I was stupid, ugly, worthless, “a placeholder,” “temporary” and “good enough for now.” The constant criticism of the way I am, of who I am, of how I am, etc. I just can’t take any more. I never believe I can do anything. I never believe I can accomplish anything. I always believe I will screw things up. I always believe I will fail. I truly believe I’m stupid and worthless. I’m terrified of so much. I don’t really feel safe anywhere outside my home, anymore. I see how normal people get up every day, go to work, have hobbies, have a life, enjoy doing things. My brain thinks, “How do people do that?!” I honestly do not know how. I don’t know where that energy comes from. I don’t know why I was born. I absolutely hate that I was born. I wish I hadn’t been born.

Anyway, I do tend to ramble too much, so I’ll just sign off. If you want to remember me or something, I’d really love if someone made a donation in my name to Valley of the Kings in WI, or lots and lots of donations! Oh, and please vote for Bernie Sanders!

Always … miri

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