Goodbye My Love

Posted 2015/06/10 By Lylith

Miri peacefully passed away on Friday the 5th. Instead of a memorial service, please donate to her favorite charity in her name, Valley of the Kings. Their website can be found at: She was a fantastic person and will be missed by all who knew her.

Please leave a comment below with a happy memory that you had of her.


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Final Post

Posted 2015/06/05 By Lylith

To my dear friends …

I have put a lot of thought into this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot take it anymore. This is the right choice for me. It’s my horrible, worthless body, and my choice. This is something that I have been dealing with, at least trying to deal with, since I was around ten years old (maybe younger, I don’t know, so over thirty years). Every day is painful for me, both physically and mentally. The Fibromyalgia is insane. My bones and muscles ache, and sometimes feel like they’re burning, from the inside out, almost every day. I’m fed up with the Fibromyalgia, RLS, IBS, GERD, SPD, constant headaches, almost constant leg pain, almost constant neck pain, painful tingling in my hands and feet, Tinnitus, ADD, Agoraphobia, MDD, Anxiety and PTSD. This is no way for anyone to live! I can’t have a regular conversation without losing words, some sort of Aphasia – ask Craig, he’ll tell you what I mean. I am losing my damn mind! On top of that, I barely have any appetite anymore, and when I do eat, I feel sick. Every day. What the hell kind of life is that?! Hell, I still have acne, and now I’m fat. I absolutely hate looking in a mirror. It’s just too much! I cry every day. I’m angry every day. Every day it gets harder and harder for me. The doctors look at me like I’m crazy, and treat me like I’m crazy. I’m sick of it! Every day, when I wake up, I am just so disappointed and angry that I woke up, wishing I’d died in my sleep.

I cannot fight this battle any longer. Even when I think I’m getting better, I guess I’m not. I put on a happy face for people, but the strain of keeping that up has taken its toll as well. Do you have any idea how much energy that takes?! Look it up. It’s very real for people with MDD, and it’s a living hell. Too many years of trying and failing. Too much pain. I wish I had found another way to deal with my MDD and my failures, but I haven’t. I’ve been a disappointment to so many, for so long. I honestly think this will make things easier for everyone who knows me. I won’t be disappointing anyone any longer. I really wish I had done this years ago. I’ve never wanted to, or meant to cause people pain, but that’s all I seem to do. I’ve only wanted to help people. I’ve tried to lead a good life, and be a good person. All that has got me is pain. The only way I can think of to stop feeling and causing pain, is to remove myself from the equation.

The molestation growing up, the attempted rape when I was fifteen or sixteen by Don, the rape when I was 21 by Paul, all the boyfriends who told me I was stupid, ugly, worthless, “a placeholder,” “temporary” and “good enough for now.” The constant criticism of the way I am, of who I am, of how I am, etc. I just can’t take any more. I never believe I can do anything. I never believe I can accomplish anything. I always believe I will screw things up. I always believe I will fail. I truly believe I’m stupid and worthless. I’m terrified of so much. I don’t really feel safe anywhere outside my home, anymore. I see how normal people get up every day, go to work, have hobbies, have a life, enjoy doing things. My brain thinks, “How do people do that?!” I honestly do not know how. I don’t know where that energy comes from. I don’t know why I was born. I absolutely hate that I was born. I wish I hadn’t been born.

Anyway, I do tend to ramble too much, so I’ll just sign off. If you want to remember me or something, I’d really love if someone made a donation in my name to Valley of the Kings in WI, or lots and lots of donations! Oh, and please vote for Bernie Sanders!

Always … miri

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Sad Bat Update

Posted 2015/05/22 By Lylith

This makes me very sad. The little Mexican Free-Tailed Bat didn’t survive. Update from the woman from Sacramento Bat Rescue:

So sorry. He had a broken forearm, just above the wrist. His wing tissues will be used by scientists at UCDavis, in hopes of making progress against White Nose Syndrome, which has killed millions of bats in the East.


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Mexican Free-Tailed Bat

Posted 2015/05/21 By Lylith

This morning, when Craig left for work, I noticed something on the sidewalk. I thought it was a dead bird, but it was a bat. It was on its back, and I thought it was dead. The sprinklers were going off, and the poor little thing was all wet. I went to move it onto the dirt, under the bushes, and when I touched its tail, it moved a bit! I came inside and just couldn’t deal with leaving it out there, suffering, so I looked up Sacramento Bat Rescue, and called. Then I grabbed my old winter gloves, a box and a rag and went and got the bat. I carefully picked it up, put it on the rag (I only had a washcloth, but you’re supposed to use something like a t-shirt) and put it in the box. It did try to grab onto the washcloth, so I hope that was a good sign. It didn’t have any obvious signs of injury that I could see. A very nice woman came by, just before noon, and picked it up. She said it is a Mexican Free-Tailed Bat. I really hope it survives.

Mexican Free-Tailed Bat
Mexican Free-Tailed Bat

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Can I Sue Kaiser Permanente?

Posted 2015/05/14 By Lylith

​Can I sue Kaiser Permanente? Is this malpractice? Their doctors, and I use the title very loosely, as it sure wasn’t earned by these people, left me so much worse off than the day I got my KP insurance.

  I went in for my annual physical, to discuss my GERD becoming increasingly worse, and my odd lack of appetite coupled with diarrhea. She did NOT give me a physical, she did NOT care about anything I had to say about what was going on with me, but at least she did order my annual blood work. Then she cut my GERD prescription in half! What the ever living fuck?! My GERD hasn’t got worse in the nine or so years I’ve been on Protonix, until recently. It had been getting bad enough for me to talk with a doctor about it, and if you know anything about me, you know something has to be pretty bad for me to do that. I had no clue what could have caused it to be getting worse, and she didn’t seem to care one bit (I still don’t know what caused it to flare up). Her answer was to cut my medication in half! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Why on Earth would you do that?! In what universe is that at all logical?! She acted as if she was so annoyed that I was there, taking up her precious time, and then shooed me out of the exam room so quick, it didn’t even feel like a doctor visit. For a few weeks after that, I ended up having to sleep, sitting up, on the couch (yeah, that’s comfortable!), with a garbage can next to me. I was coughing/gagging with stomach acid in my esophagus so much, it was causing me to vomit. The coughing/gagging would even wake me up. I was in so much pain; my upper insides were on fire. Thankfully, the sleeping on the couch only lasted a few weeks.

  Since December, I’ve barely had any appetite, and I’ve had diarrhea. EVERY SINGLE DAY! If you know me, you know I love to eat! It’s May now. This is STILL going on. SIX MONTHS OF IT! She completely ignored this. She would NOT talk with me about it. Her only replies? “Your test results are all within normal ranges.” After weeks of back and forth, I had to ask for an upper endoscopy, which, by the time I got it, just showed gastritis. Who knows what it would have shown, had she ordered it when I first came to her with my concerns. Who knows what other tests would have helped. I even asked about my thyroid, as a possibility (any weight loss? four pounds, in six months) and again, she just blew me off with, “Your test results are all within normal ranges.DR BELKO, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC DOCTOR, AND AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE PERSON!

  I went to see him for this constant headache I have. When I say constant, I mean constant. Without medication, I cannot stand the pain in my head. I had been taking Propranolol for the past couple years, which worked well, mostly, but I still had some bad days. On top of this constant headache, I also have chronic migraines, for which I take Naratriptan (regulated at only nine pills per month!). The Naratriptan must be taken when I first feel a migraine coming on, or it’s worthless. It cannot and does not help my regular headaches, nor my constant headache! Anyway, when the Propranolol wasn’t working well enough, I was taking Naproxen (four at a time), sometimes two to three times a week. Yes, the headaches were that bad, and these were not migraines! Those are so much worse. When talking with Dr Lai, I was under the impression he understood what I was telling him (boy, was that a mistake!), that I felt the Propranolol wasn’t working as well as I needed, for my constant headache. He said I was having rebound headaches (due to the Naproxen), and that I needed to stop taking all OTC pain relievers. Holy hell, were the six weeks or so of headaches almost unbearable! I was either in pain, or I was a potato, on the couch, due to the medical marijuana. Either way, not really a functional person. He prescribed Topiramate instead of the Propranolol. I was also having uncomfortable and random muscle ticks/twitches, and he said the Topiramate would help, which it did. Fast forward a couple months, when I went to refill my Naratriptan, for my migraines. This was through Dr Belko. She denied it, stating Dr Lai said I was using it to supplement my rebound headaches. Again, WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! I was furious. Again, Naratriptan cannot and does not help my regular headaches, nor my constant headache. I contacted Dr Lai about it, explained it, and he replied that I still could not have the Naratriptan, as he said I had still used “too many.” He still said I was using them for my rebound headaches and constant headache. ARGH!!! WTF?! You have got to be fucking kidding me! I had only used seven of the nine pills, over two months (remember the allotted prescription is nine pills per month). So, he’s saying that using seven, out of what should have been eighteen pills (but was only nine, since he wouldn’t allow me to refill the ), was using “too many.” He did not bother to reply to my last email. The world isn’t going to stop for my migraines, Dr Lai, and without the Naratriptan, my only option is an OTC pain reliever you told me not to take, and I have to take a lot of that. I also explained that, although the medical marijuana is marvelous for my regular headaches, it only goes so far for my migraines, unless I take enough to put me to sleep, which isn’t helpful if I need to be functional! So, thanks for screwing me over, and causing me incredible pain! DR LAI, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC DOCTOR, AND AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE PERSON!

  I went in for an intake interview for mental health services, as I was sinking into being quite suicidal. She asked me for my entire thirty year mental health history in thirty minutes, and was annoyed with me when I could not accomplish that. Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! I told her that I have MDD, Anxiety, ADD, Agoraphobia and PTSD. She rolled her eyes, and told me, “Kaiser’s policy is that, unless you have faced death, you will not be treated for PTSD.” Um, what?! You have got to be kidding me! She was completely dismissive of me. Then, then, she told me that she was diagnosing me with Borderline Personality Disorder. Again, WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! A BPD diagnosis could take years, not half an hour! I do NOT have BPD, you quack! She said that my mental health treatment would be in group therapy, with a couple very short sessions with a different therapist. I did NOT want group therapy. I’m NOT comfortable with group therapy, but she said that being suicidal, I get either Kaiser’s Intensive Outpatient Program (which sounded horrific), or I get locked up. IOP is a two week program of three days a week (M/W/F), for four hours, in a group. You’re supposed to be a mental health professional, Dr Autry, right? How in the hell do you think an agoraphobic is going to be able to do this type of therapy?! You are insanely inept! I wanted individual therapy, but she told me that “was not an option.” DR AUTRY, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC DOCTOR, AND AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE PERSON!

  I thought I was finally getting some individual mental health therapy. I thought was I finally getting to see a psychologist. I was not. I was getting screwed AGAIN! I was having my time wasted, AGAIN! What part of, “I have agoraphobia.” do you people not understand, when it comes to dragging me to all these absolutely worthless and infuriating appointments?! You are supposed to be mental health professionals, after all! What I got was a session with a guy who chatted with me, and then told me that both he and Kaiserdon’t believe that individual therapy works, at all,” and that they only believe group therapy works. What the ever living hell is wrong with these people?! Why do they give people an appointment for which ever medical/mental health services they think they are getting, and then NOT GIVE THEM THAT SERVICE, but try to force them into some other service they DO NOT WANT?! He wanted me to sit in a group with a bunch of strangers, and not talk about how I’m feeling and what I’ve been through; no, no, they believe that people should sit in these groups and talk about rainbows, unicorns, puppies and happy crap; what ever various tips and/or tricks they are using to get through their days. Fuck that! I don’t need tricks to get through the day! That’s what I already do! That’s what those of us with MDD call “Faking It ‘Till You Make It.” That’s how we hide behind the mask we put on, every day, so the rest of the world doesn’t see all the fucking pain going on inside our heads! That is not going to help me; that is not what I need nor want! I told him that I came in for INDIVIDUAL THERAPY, that I wanted and expected to see a psychologist. I told him that I need to work through being molested and raped, that I relive those experiences (always at the worst times, of course), which is utterly terrifying, and I am not going to talk about it in a group of strangers (or even in a group of friends, for that matter), nor am I going to just ignore my past to sit in a group and talk in their Happy Crap Therapy sessions. He kept trying to dissuade me from wanting individual therapy, telling me it couldn’t and wouldn’t work or help me. It actually seemed that there was no spark of life behind his eyes, which is the only reason I am leaving off that he is an absolutely horrible person, although he may be. DR POWELL, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC DOCTOR!

  After months of waiting (why do they make you wait so damn long to see a doctor who is so vital to your care?!), I finally got to see a psychiatrist; the only type of doctor who would finally give me prescriptions for MDD, Anxiety and ADD. I told him about my experiences with Dr Autry and Dr Powell, and how upset I was about it all. He said I could get individual therapy if I wanted it, that I had a right to it, and to call the head of the Psychiatry Department. Yay, I have to jump through more hoops to get the care I should have easily had access to months ago. I thought I’d finally found a doctor who’d listen and help. After talking for a short time, I realized I was so very wrong. AGAIN! I explained how I was unhappy with the various antidepressants I’d taken over the past few years, and why. I explained how I hated pharmaceuticals, but I knew I had to take something, as my MDD was getting so much worse, and my suicidal feelings were getting so much stronger. I also explained how I had been taking Strattera for ADD, but it wasn’t working well, and that my previous psychiatrist had suggested Adderall (if the Strattera didn’t work), but we’d moved before he could prescribe it, so I wanted to try that. He said no. I was dumbfounded. I asked why, and he said that because I had Anxiety, he wasn’t going to prescribe anything for ADD. Um, what?! My previous psychiatrist didn’t have any issue with this. Then he added this lovely gem … “I might never prescribe anything for your ADD.” Again, WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?! I have ADD, you asshole! It directly affects my MDD and Anxiety, and you are not going to prescribe anything for it?! Or, you’re going to sit there, all smug and play fucking mind games with me?! How is that supposed to help me?! DR COATES, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIC DOCTOR, AND AN ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE PERSON!

That was the last straw. My only recourse, to these pitiful, horrific excuses for doctors, was to drop Kaiser Permanente, run far and fast, and get new insurance (which I did). I do not understand how anyone thinks Kaiser Permanente is a good, upstanding organization, as, beyond my utterly abysmal experiences with them, I have heard plenty of other horror stories, especially from and about their horrific mental health departments and doctors (both from patients and other doctors). I do not understand how anyone desires Kaiser Permanente as an insurer, nor stays with them, once they have them. I realize that Kaiser Permanente has an absolute strangle hold on California, but holy fuck, this organization is absolutely horrific when it comes to both medical and mental health care! If you are considering Kaiser Permanente, DO NOT DO IT! Get ANY other insurance!

To ANDREA BELKO, NEUZIL LAI, PUSHPA AUTRY, STEVEN POWELL and ROBERT COATES: Screw you all, and may you all rot in pig shit! Not a single one of you deserves to continue being doctors. You should all have your licenses revoked! You all make me sick!

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Sheep Reincarnation

Posted 2015/05/13 By Lylith

Sheep Reincarnation

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Bernie Vs Hillary

Posted 2015/05/12 By Lylith

Bernie Sanders vs Hillary Clinton


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Bernie Sanders 2016!

Posted 2015/05/11 By Lylith

I just donated to Bernie Sanders 2016! You should, too! Let’s put Bernie in the White House! Give early, give often! =)

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How Old Do I Look?

Posted 2015/05/03 By Lylith

Oh Microsoft, you’re so funny. Microsoft has this new, How Old Do I Look? site, where you upload a photo, it analyses it and gives you the age it thinks you are.

A picture of me from the summer of 2012, where I was 41.

A picture of Craig from Halloween 2014, where he was 29:

A picture of both of us from the fall of 2013, where Craig was 28 and I was 42:

But the winner of the day is this photo from the summer of 2004, when I was 33:

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Happy Birthday!

Posted 2015/05/03 By Lylith

Happy Birthday to my awesome cousin Jordan!

Happy Birthday to my fantastic friends John N and Solomon W!

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